THERE must be more eccentrics per head of population in New Brighton than in any urban settlement in Britain.
Mostly these marginalised waterside dwellers are charming and humorous, but they do sometimes squabble bitterly among themselves.
And just the other night in my local, Hell’s Waiting Room, there was a huge incident in which passions were roused to fever pitch …

The row was caused by the auld biddies that play bingo on Thursday nights in the front saloon – the same room that me and my posse usually occupy on the rest of the nights of the week.
On Thursdays we graciously vacate the room and let the biddies have their bingo in there. We move into the adjoining back lounge.
But the trouble arose when one of the biddies, mistaking the lingering aroma of a scented candle (placed in the front saloon the day before to combat stale ciggie smells), for the smell of … drugs.
Convinced they had discovered an opium den the old girls then sent a deputation to the landlady, Eleganta Chignon, alleging that my mates (the regular users of the front saloon) were taking and dealing drugs. Total and utter nonsense, of course.
Not surprisingly, some of my pals were mightily offended by these unfounded allegations and they confronted the biddies about them.
There was an almighty row which resulted in the landlord, Mr Craggs, telling off the biddies in no uncertain terms and warning them not to repeat such defamatory allegations unless they wish to receive solicitors’ letters.
Well, there was a bit of an atmosphere after that, and the lead biddy, Elmera Bittergob, huffily announced she would not be leading bingo sessions in the pub in future.
Loud cheers all round from my posse in the back lounge when that news was relayed.
We’ll see what happens, next. If tempers cool then the bingo might be back on next week. And maybe the biddies can learn to co-exist peacefully in the same pub with the social drinkers and joke-tellers that comprise my posse.
It wasn’t the only scandal at Hell’s Waiting Room this week. There is a regular delivery of pies, meat and eggs at the pub for customers who pre-order them.
Myself and my friend Dixie the Jazzman had each ordered a turkey and ham pie. The only thing was, someone else had claimed them and had it away on his toes with them.
Now I am a Wiganer. You come between me and my pies and there will be Serious Trouble.
Dixie is a Birkenhead man (some might remember him as the mad butcher who used to stick pigs eyes on windows and wore pigs heads on his own head in Birkenhead market some 20 years ago).
He’s a serious pie-eater too so he really saw his arse when he learned of what had happened to his pie.
It turns out that the pies had been mistakenly purloined by a semi-regular at the pub (we shall call him ‘The Cockerney Chappie’). He had sent his son to “collect me pies from the pub down the road”.
He had given his son no other advice than get the pies from the buxom barmaid.
Now the trouble is there is no shortage of buxom barmaids in New Brighton, and Cockerney Chappie had meant his lad to collect from a neighbouring pub, The Vagabond, staffed by a most pleasant and voluptuous young girl. That is where he had ordered his pie from – not our pub.
Well, of course, Cockerney Chappie, thought it hilarious that he had fat-necked pies intended for Dixie and I, but we didn’t see the funny side at all. We felt the loss of our pies, that's all.
We reminded Cockerney that pie crime is a serious issue in these parts and that he had better make amends.
To his credit he did slap the price of the pies on our table as compensation.
It was too late to place an extra order for new pies out of this unexpected windfall. But it did help pay for two large Southern Comforts for me and the Jazzman. They were enough to calm us down.
P.S. My apologies to Laurie who took the trouble to leave a comment saying he agreed with my blog about Culture year 2008 and the puerile state of Liverpool politics ("Big ambitions, small town politics - that's Liverpool", Feb 28).
Laurie, I tried to put your comment up on the live page but I somehow cocked up the operation and lost your contribution. I am new at this blogging malarky but I am getting to grips with it now. Thanks for writing in, anyway.

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