NOW I'M not one of those inferior, unimaginative columnists who will bang on about 'a survey' they’ve read.
Nor will I bore your by constructing a strained piece of middle class whimsy about a perennial topic such as ‘the battle of the sexes’.
Well, not unless I am dead busy, tired or drunk anyway ...

Seriously though, I don’t usually touch such commonplace staple subjects of column and blog writing, as regular readers know by now, but today I make an exception because I have been re-examining my attitude to women, having started socialising with them more regularly than I used to.
Yes, not only am I regularly going out with a crew of lovely fortysomething ladies each Sunday, for lunch and then loads of alcohol (and sometimes dancing to live soul music) but also (ahem!) I seem occasionally to attract romantic interest from 'female wimmin critters', which can be nice, flattering and also alarming. Sometimes it can be all three at the same time.
The trouble is, I'm only 29, you see. I don't feel ready to settle down yet.
However, I do want to discuss the differences between men and women in this posting.
It seems to me timely to do so, because, among intelligent people at least, the old certainties of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman are in strange period of flux.
And that can be unsettling for the male of the species and for the female. Neither properly knows what to expect of the other any more.
This has come about because of society’s perceived need for ‘equality’ between men and women.
In other words, we are all theoretically ‘equal’ under the law and in terms of what society expects of us. Except we aren't. Not really. Never were. Never will be.
It is not a question of one gender being better or inferior.
It is a matter of all human beings being far too brilliant as examples of creation ever to be put into equal-sized pigeon holes.
If you want to know the truth, I’ve never accepted that the liberal / socialist concept of ‘equality’ can be successfully applied to human beings.
It is a dangerous concept for the State to force on people, actually, and one that has undermined family life and turned millions of us into self-centred workaholics.
What I do accept – believe passionately, in fact – is that every human being is of equal worth (that's quite different to saying everyone is equal in terms of rights under the law, etc).
I'd also say that everybody should be accorded the dignity that is due to our remarkable species.
It is not anyone's fault, for instance, if they are poor or uneducated or have been hurt to the point of dysfunction.
They still have intrinsic worth and dignity as humans which should always be respected.
Having said all that, err, Melvyn, I think the differences between men and women, in terms of what excites them and how they behave, remain fundamentally intact and are genuinely hilarious.
A (male) friend of mine recently sent me a copy of the Men’s Rules, which is an answer to the crypto-feminist Women’s Rules.
In the Men’s Rules ALL the rules are listed as rule number 1. Not sure why that is – except it might be an ironic reference to a memorable line from the film ‘Fight Club’.
Here are just a few of the Men’s Rules, which are intended to amuse men and educate women...
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say ‘nothing’, we will act as if nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. Shopping is not a sport and we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.

NB Life goes on in Hell's Waiting Rooms, despite the smelly old carpet having been replaced by a new one in the music room.
This has caused quite a stir with the regulars. Y-I Geordie was seen going down on his hands and knees to kiss the new carpet, rather like dear old Pope John Paul II used to snog the tarmac as soon as he got off an aircraft in a foriegn country.
We await other (ahem!) improvements to this venerable pub, and no-one can quite imagine what it is going to be like when the peevish, nasty, fascist smoking ban comes in this summer.
Hell's Waiting Rooms ... it's an old fashioned boozer. Most people smoke in there. Well, a drink's too wet without one.
However, the times they are a-changing. Fancy new pink curtains have gone up in the music room, complete with elaborate tie-backs.
it is the sort of window-covering arrangement which in Wigan used to be called "tart's knickers curtains".

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