AS I’ve been saying, our country is going to the dogs.
The education system is failing terribly, nearly half of the population are abusing alcohol and/or drugs regularly, our young women dress routinely in public like sex industry workers, and hardly anyone gives a damn about the elderly.
And despite all the millions of people ‘employed’ in non-jobs in the public sector, our public services are in an awful mess.
For most people, both family life and work life are stressful – and the balance between the two aspects of our existence is badly out of kilter.
Unfortunately, our conventional politicians are incapable of getting a grip. The Labour Party is mired in politically correct statism.The Conservative Party trims its sails to any passing populist breeze and is led by a toff who pretends to be a man of the people. Pathetic.
As for the Liberal Democrats, they are a party comprised entirely of dorks.
The truth is this: what we need now is strong government and loyalty to our country. Whisper it softly, but perhaps even a bit of repression might help.
Because, paradoxically, it is only when the power in the land becomes a touch repressive that we can rediscover how very valuable – priceless, in fact – is our freedom.
So in order to achieve our future freedom and respect I offer myself as temporary Dictator of Britain for six months.
You see, I am to politics what Jose Mourinhio is to football – “the special one”. So I’m prepared to accept the onerous task of putting our country back on its feet.
Here’s what I’d do, month by month, as your Beloved Leader…
* Month one: start an orderly withdrawal from the European Union. We can negotiate on the details, but “the Queen in Parliament” is still, technically, the sovereign power in the realm, so we can claim back all the so far powers ceded to European institutions. I would make it a criminal offence to fly or put up an image of the EU flag anywhere in Britain. And every public building would be ordered to run up the Union Flag.
* Month two: the Scottish Parliament and the Welsh Assembly will be dissolved – permanently. Those institutions are divisive and a waste of tax payers’ money. Withdrawal from the EU will be completed, with or without agreement by the plonkers in Brussels and Strasbourg.
* Month three: it’s time for the hardest job of all, to regain control of the borders to our overcrowded country. Immigration (generally, of course, a good thing) into the UK would be halted totally – for six months only. Everyone who is here will be issued with identity cards, native born and newcomers alike.
Everyone suspected of terrorism who wasn’t born in Britain will be deported to their country of origin. I’m sorry to say that probably will cause some suffering. But not half as much misery as we’d get if we continued to harbour terrorists here.
I’d also deport Graham Norton, Alan Titchmarsh, Philip Schofield, Bill Oddie and Fiona Phillips off the telly – purely because they irritate me and I’m sick of the sight of them. Well, a Dictator is allowed a few personal perks.
Doubtless some won’t like my programme aimed at putting the “Great” back into Great Britain. But, trust me, I’m a Dictator, and I know best.
Call it tough love, but we will all be better off if I’m given unbridled power. Anyhow, on to …
* Month four: I announce my plans for reform of local government. All exiting city and borough councils, including Liverpool (officially, England’s worst local authority, according to the Audit Commission) will be scrapped.
The hated ‘Death Star’ that is Wirral Council will also be scrapped. I am considering staging a special show trial for the Wirral municipality tyrants – or let’s make that a tribunal, chaired by myself. Those people at the Death Star who have done so much damage over the years to my beloved Wallasey and New Brighton will be severely punished.
Local government will in future be run by the old shire counties – Cheshire in the case of Wirral.
And in the case of Liverpool, Sefton, Huyton and St Helens – good old Lancashire. Wigan, my home town, would be the capital of my newly empowered Lancashire.
New Brighton, complete with rebuilt pier and tower and a restored ferry service – would be the capital of the New Cheshire.
Plus, I will set a target of an 80 per cent reduction for staffing levels in local government to be achieved over two years. I will restart compulsory military national service for all the lazy pen-pushers who lose their jobs in my much needed rationalisation of local government.
* Month five: My respect agenda. I would reintroduce capital punishment for murder, treason and paedophile offences. Caning would be reintroduced into all schools and there would be a new national curriculum making the following subjects compulsory: English language and literature; religion (looking at all faiths but emphasising Christianity’s historic role in forming our country’s values); maths; general science; British and world history; personal hygiene; basic financial skills; cookery; and philosophy.
* Month six: Time for some fun. The smoking ban would be overturned. Duty payable on cigarettes and alcohol would be cut by 80 per cent. Pubs would be given the right to ban non-smokers if they wished – on the grounds that non-smokers mainly are joyless and lacking in humour and therefore not really capable of contributing much to the atmosphere of a pub.
The Health and Safety Executive would be abolished – as would a whole raft of ‘killjoy’ state bodies. Elections would be called.
I’d be just one of several candidates for Prime Minister – and I’d win.
Freedom will have been restored.
And I would bask in the glory heaped on me by a grateful nation.
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Mark Houldey wrote...
You've turned into Alan Partridge.
Capital punishment for treason?
REGAN REPLIED: OK, I might have beena bit harsh there but, hey, I'm a dictator ... I have to make desisions and stick to 'em.
Posted by: Mark Houldey | February 11, 2008 2:55 PM