If I hear one more pot-bellied halfwit belting out 'Mustang Sally' ...

Something has to take the blame and suffer the punishment for all this musical torture locally.

The Bards are an independent community cultural group -one of the few in our peninsula that doesn't receive a subsidy from the 'Death Star' that is Wirral Council.

I wouldn't have it any other way. You take money from the council - you kiss artistic integrity goodbye.

As founder and MC of the Bards, it was up to me to open our second anniversary proceedings on Easter Monday, 13 April, at the Magazine pub, with 'Brave Little Poets' - my tribute to all versifiers.

Here's the last verse of it...

"Stay with us laudable laureate,
You're hottest debate's own thermostat;
Deepest thoughts you enunciate;
You're popular culture's counterweight.
You have the power to liberate."

There were two newbies present on the night - Derek and Bernie - performing their stuff for the first time. Well done, lads, and Derek got a good few laughs with his account of courtship and sexual frustration in the 1950s.

Pete Crompton - at the Bards for the first time - drew gasps of admiration with his eloquent evocation of a stay in a mental hospital, which included the plea "don't be so mean with the Dopamine" and that memorable phrase about a "nurses' bitch bark'".

Later, Pete had 'em laughing out loud with his poem about all the things in life that wind him up.

The atheist, libertarian poet Malpoet had penned a piece specifically about the Bards, referencing my promise that there would be cake and a "coachload of fashion models from Rock Ferry" to help us celebrate our two years of monthly sessions.

Here's part of what Malpoet performed...
"I cast aside the tainted cake
disdain the tarty bait.
The rapier pen of godlessness
writes dagger pointed verse
Malpoet proud knows what is what
and slays the popish plot."

There were ripostes of a sort from our splendid Roman Catholic poets, regulars Kevin and Alex, and a brilliant performance in Middle English from regular Tim Kingham, a keeper of the Cheshire culture and conscience.

Meanwhile, our Celtic firecracker Ieuan Cilgwri made a welcome return, with new material - including "Wild Magic", a moving lament to a childhood friendship and what happened later to those special pals, including the one who descended into (I think) drug abuse.

John Gorman and Sue were back at the Bards, and on fizzing form with a comedic two-header that was all knowing innocence but nevertheless also included material that had people smirking saucily.

John G (a member of The Scaffold in the 1960s and a regular face of TV show Tiswas) appealed for local poets to attend and recite at the Secret Gardens open day in Oxton Village (the posh bit - the ONLY posh bit - of Birkenhead) on Sunday 10 May.

Said John: "It would be a blow for poetry to flood the gardens with as many Secret Poets as can be mustered."

If you would like to perform at the Oxton Secret Gardens then please let John know ASAP. His email is johnhgorman@ntlworld.com

I've run out of steam now with my review of the Bards. But thanks must also be recorded to Frankie, Theresa, Martin, Corky, Al, Scubadiver and everyone else who entertained / inspired us. It was a big meeting, the room was full; I can't remember everyone.

But I must finish with a special thanks to a young lad called John who read us a poignant poem about his grandmother that left most of the Bards moist-eyed by the end.

If you'd like to experience the Bards, either as a listener or reading your poems, please do come along to a meeting. We are a friendly and supportive bunch and admission is free.

We meet on the second Monday of evcery month in the back room of the spendid Magazine pub, New Brighton, starting at 8pm. The next meeting is on 11 May.