Eeerrrm, I'm, you know, errm, a top footballer me!
I'll be sending personal invitations to Steven Gerrard, Leighton Baines, and Wayne Rooney for the next live poetry event I hold in Liverpool.
The reason? I think attending poetry nights will help those gentlemen become more articulate.
And I want to help them. So that I won't have to endure them saying stuff like "errmm, you know ... the lads are all, errrm, all positive, you know, errmmm" with such tedious regularity on City Talk 105.9 FM.
I've been listening a lot to City Talk recently, and I'm both amused and appalled at how inarticulate footballers seem. Their lifeless, mangled speech is so unbelievably bad that I'm tempted to think our sporting heroes speak so badly on purpose.
Yes, maybe all their incoherent mumbling is just one big elaborate joke between themselves? Who can sound the thickest this week, eh lads? Who can sound the least interested in serving the fans?
These men are millionaires who command demigod status among fans. Top players are brilliant athletes on the park each week, I'll grant you that. And everyone fawns over them.
But when they open their gobs in public the results are truly shocking.
I can't think of anything more depressing to listen to than all the deadpan, passionless "errrmmms" and "you knows" falling from the lips of players.
Except, perhaps, the platitudinous twaddle those other millionaires, the X Factor judges, shamelessly trot out ."You nailed it, you absolutely nailed it!" ... "you have such energy!" ... they repeatedly tell an array of hopeless egomaniacs belting out karaoke kack tracks.
The next poetry event I'll be hosting in Liverpool is The Liver Bards on Sunday 17 November. More details in a future posting.
Now, interestingly, what I've found with the poetry events my friends and I run is that when people first attend they are often shy, softly spoken and lacking in confidence.
But month by month they keep coming back and to our Bards (New Brighton) and Liver Bards (Liverpool city centre) events ...
And then sure enough we witness those people grow steadily in confidence, wit, intellectual heft, emotional intelligence and eloquence - month after month. How brilliant is that?!
And yes, I do think a lot of top footballers need urgently to develop their verbal skills.
Which is why I'm going to invite a few of them to come to our poetry nights.
Then hopefully they'll be able to cope with radio interviews ... and say something interesting for once!
PS. Come ON, England!